Dear Anna,

Why am I checking my phone every hour, hoping his text is waiting for me? 

It’s been 48 hours. Is he ever gonna text?

I was in Alishan today. For a moment, everything stopped. The silence made sense. The towering cedar trees held me. My anxiety went silent. I wanted to text him. Share this misty forest I’d love to get lost in with him. But I didn’t. I stopped myself. I’m sick of initiating contact all the time. It feels one-sided, like I’m forcing him into a relationship he doesn’t want. He needs to show me he wants this as much as I do. So now I’m in this childish pissing contest, trying to see who caves and texts first. And the peace is gone. 

I know you’re gonna ask, “Did you even communicate this need to him?” I noticed this pattern a few months ago when I was in Indonesia, and brought it up. He says he’s not big on phones. That he prefers in-person contact. But we don’t live in the same country. All we have are phones. Unless he starts writing me old-timey love letters, I don’t see how we can keep this connection alive. 

Connection isn’t an issue when we’re physically together. When I smell his neck or feel his arm around me, I’m calm. I don’t need constant texts or phone calls, because I know I’ll see him that day. When we’re in the same place, he’s present. He shows up. I can see the effort he puts into us, how much he cares. 

But when we’re apart, his silence feels ominous. Like he’s punishing me. Like he’s about to disappear. I’m never quite sure if it’s him or my mind playing tricks. And I know, I’m manufacturing this silence by not texting him either. 

That’s why I’m going back to him. 

I’m Penang-bound again after Taiwan.

I called him last week, in a state of panic. I was so convinced it was over, that he didn’t want me. He reassured me in a quietly mischievous way. He isn’t going anywhere. I should enjoy my time in Taiwan and stop obsessing over texts. 

But here I am, again, waiting, falling down a rabbit hole I dug myself. 

Do I ruin things by expecting too much?

All my love, 

Dummy