Dear Anna,

I want a child. 

I’ve been running away from it for a long time. Always an excuse for not being ready. And now that I can almost hear my ovaries ticking to the beat of my dwindling savings, all I seem to want is a child. 

‘You’re a walking contradiction,’ my dad needles me, and can you blame him? I’m finally settled for a few months, and all I do is make itineraries for the next trip. I don’t want to go back on the hamster wheel, yet the guilt of not earning is gnawing at me. And now I want to bring a child into this mess? 

I was waiting for laksa when a toddler made contact, all ready to play. Soon, we landed on a game of almost touching fingers and pulling back at the last minute, and his infectious giggles hit my weak spot. The more he laughed, the more I wanted to claim him. Mine. Is this why women of a certain age end up in jail for kidnapping? Don’t worry, I will not follow in their footsteps if I can help it.  

At my age, I’m out of “maybe one day”s. But it’s not the urgency, or fear of regret that pulls my strings. 15 months ago, I was in a stable relationship with a full-time job, and the very thought of a kid filled me with dread. Now, in a new relationship, financially precarious, and all I feel is broody.  

Have I finally met my odd match in this new man? Maybe feeling settled wasn’t what I’ve been waiting for to be ready. Either way, I’m tired of deconstructing and doubting every instinct I have. Do I need to defend this urge like a dissertation? Get it peer-reviewed?

I don’t know if I can have a child, I don’t know if this may be the worst time, but I’m not scared anymore. I don’t want to go back to how my life was, and this may be my last chance. 

All my love, 

Dummy